awake

I may be up but I feel far from awake, I have a lot to think about lately. How should I go about asking a best friend if they have a drug problem? How do I get my first love back into my life? How come I'm still shamefully living with my parents? Where should I go to next? Why have the cards not aligned yet for my travel plans? Where will I be in a year's time? Should I apply for that visa to Australia? Should I stay living in hell with my parents to save money? When will my time come to see the world?



So many questions... my heart and brain are duelling like never before and its killing me. A constant nagging feeling tugs at my emotions. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right ? I keep smoking joints every night... It really helps me to fall asleep and to not worry. I worry way too much otherwise and then in turn am unable to sleep. 


What do I do with myself. 

a) lost the love of my life: he says he no longer has feelings for me and that when we meet up he kisses me "for fun" 

b) my best friend moved in with me... that was a bust, we left off well.. until she found out about a secret I had been keeping from her for a long time.. and she still won't forgive me

c) the one person I thought I had left to lean on...probably is on hard drugs. Based on the actions of the past weekend I spent with him, I'm assuming that would be the only excuse


.......or i could just be really shit at choosing the people I care for.. either way, Im not at my highpoint of life right now.


My family is even starting to get sick of me. They definitely don't want me living here anymore because  before I moved back in "there was peace and quiet in this household" as said by my mother.


I don't want to sound like a complainer but I gotta let it out somehow, I just feel lost and these are the reasons why.

eighteen has definitely been by far my best year yet, but I can't wait for my birthday, I can't wait until I can go out to a bar, have a beer and listen to good music over good conversation. I do need to get out of Kelowna ASAP though. It's hard coming back to a place that nothing has changed but instead just moved on. I no longer have either of the people that were my best friends and it sucks. I am probably writing because its my first love's birthday right now. He's 20 yet he acts like he's 16. I think he's stuck at that age because of me honestly. I put his life on hold when i broke up with him. If I saw him and knew that he had actually moved on and that he had changed and grown up, maybe I would be content without him. He just doesn't seem happy to me. He's stuck at the age that I broke his heart and deeply regret doing as well. 




I got a message from Devin today.. I don't really know why I never even gave him a chance.. I come on so strong and its just the way some people are. It was wrong of me to judge him as a person based on how much he wanted to talk to me. He is interesting after all.




I want to toke so badly.  oh how i miss being on my own... always smoking the hookah..alone or with friends.. the hookah always kept me company



I miss the lake, the people, my indian brother, my lover, his best friend, his other best friend, and all his other friends, they were all a big part of me learning and growing up. its sad that it all ended when i ended things with brett and my best friend came to live with me 


I regret asking her to come live with me.

It was awesome at first, but we lost our friendship along the way somewhere and as it was happening, she took all the friends i had made there with her. turned backs was seemingly normal by the end of my lake louise adventures. 


/ done.